Come eliminare le aspettative

“Dovresti essere più gentile. Non dovrebbe esserci il male nel mondo. Non avresti dovuto farlo”. Le aspettative sono uno dei modi più semplici per aumentare la propria sofferenza e rovinare le relazioni. Sono generalmente proiettate nel futuro, ma possono essere proiettate anche nel passato o nel presente. In generale, derivano dalla volontà di manipolare la realtà. Qualunque aspettativa crea un attrito con il flusso della vita e con la volontà dell’Universo. Dunque crea sofferenza in chi la formula. L’atteggiamento alla base dell’espressione di un’aspettativa è la non accettazione. Le aspettative sono un cancro da estirpare se vuoi restituire benessere alla tua vita. In questo articolo ti spiegherò come eliminare le tue aspettative.

Che cosa sono le aspettative e come ti distruggono

Un’aspettativa è una pretesa mentale che nasce dal bisogno di controllare la realtà. Nasce da una mancanza di fede e di fiducia. Ecco come le aspettative ti distruggono:

  • ti sottraggono al momento presente. Infatti quando formuli un’aspettativa ti proietti fuori dal qui e ora per essere assorbito nel rumore mentale;
  • ti lasciano in balia del mondo. L’aspettativa è una speranza, che nasce dalla mancanza di potere su di sé e sulla propria realtà. La scarsa padronanza su di sé viene proiettata all’esterno, attraverso un bisogno ossessivo di controllo;
  • ti offrono frustrazione gratuita. Infatti nella maggior parte dei casi le tue aspettative sono irrealistiche;
  • ti fanno sentire stressato e acuiscono la sensazione che tutto sia fuori dal tuo controllo;
  • impediscono la tua crescita spirituale. Le aspettative sono uno degli ostacoli peggiori per il tuo sviluppo;
  • quando sono rivolte verso gli altri, rovinano le tue relazioni. Un figlio riempito di aspettative dai genitori si sente soffocato e oppresso. Le aspettative sul partner sono una delle principali cause di separazione.

La genesi delle aspettative

Come accennavamo prima, le pretese vengono espresse nel momento in cui non hai potere su te stesso. Così, cerchi di controllare gli altri e il mondo in maniera ossessiva pur di avere anche solo l’illusione di avere un minimo controllo. Le aspettative sono tipiche delle vittime e di coloro che attribuiscono all’esterno la responsabilità degli eventi. Quando dici a tuo figlio: “Dovresti essere più gentile”, stai ammettendo tacitamente che non hai alcun controllo sulla realtà e proietti il tuo desiderio egoico di manipolazione all’esterno. In altre parole, non lavori su di te per far sì che tuo figlio possa essere più gentile. Nella maggior parte dei casi, infatti, gli atteggiamenti bruschi degli altri sono delle reazioni al nostro comportamento. Quindi che cosa dovresti fare per eliminare le aspettative?

Come iniziare ad eliminare le aspettative in 6 passi (osservazione)

Ti spiegherò come iniziare ad eliminare le aspettative:

  1. Riconosci che non puoi avere il controllo su tutto. Accetta la realtà per quella che è! Questo è il presupposto del lavoro ma anche la fine. Almeno mentalmente devi convincerti che è del tutto insensato voler controllare la realtà.
  2. Osservati e nota il tuo bisogno di controllo. Nota il modo in cui formuli aspettative e come queste ti creano tensioni, frustrazione e stress. Indaga l’ossessività che sta alla base dei tuoi atteggiamenti. Chiediti che cosa c’è alla base del tuo bisogno di controllo. In molti casi potrebbe esserci paura.
  3. Assumiti la responsabilità di queste tensioni, della tua frustrazione e del tuo stress. Non è tuo figlio a farti arrabbiare perché non è gentile, ma sei tu a reagire con rabbia perché vorresti controllare la realtà.
  4. Accetta le tue reazioni senza giudicarle. Non sentirti in colpa o inadeguato/a per i tuoi comportamenti. All’inizio non puoi avere il controllo sulla tua meccanicità.
  5. Continua ad osservare le tue aspettative. Nota più profondamente come siano esse a provocarti malessere e non le situazioni esterne. Quando senti il bisogno di dare la colpa all’esterno, lascialo andare.
  6. Elimina gradualmente le tue aspettative. Man mano che le osservi, puoi accorgerti sempre di più della loro tossicità e il bisogno di formularle compulsivamente scemerà pian piano.

Come eliminare le aspettative: passiamo all’azione!

Puoi eliminare le aspettative anche riportandole per iscritto. Chiediti che cosa non accetti della realtà e scrivi come vorresti che essa cambiasse e perché non ti va bene così com’è. Ad esempio, potresti scrivere che vorresti che il tuo partner fosse più sensibile e meno aggressivo perché in questo modo la vostra relazione migliorerebbe. A questo punto, nota che la tua aspettativa è sempre rivolta all’esterno. Chiediti che cosa puoi fare tu per migliorare la tua relazione. Riconosci che non puoi cambiare il tuo partner direttamente. L’unico modo per influenzarlo è attraverso la tua sfera di influenza. Perché il tuo partner è aggressivo nei tuoi confronti? Tu non sei una vittima, per cui evidentemente sei responsabile insieme a lui/lei di quell’atteggiamento. Dunque, ecco come eliminare le aspettative brevemente:

  • ora che hai notato la disfunzionalità delle tue aspettative e la loro tossicità, le hai messe in dubbio e ti sei sforzato/a di accettare la realtà senza giudizio e di assumerti la responsabilità, puoi iniziare a raccogliere le energie. Come accennavo nel paragrafo precedente, devi sfruttare la tua sfera di influenza.
  • dopodiché, puoi sviluppare un piano d’azione: come puoi cambiare tu in modo da risolvere il problema esterno?

Quando proverai ad agire sulla tua sfera d’influenza, capiterà che troverai delle resistenze. La tua mente ti trascinerà nell’abitudine di dare la colpa all’esterno, di lamentarti e di fare la vittima. Per questo la fase più difficile è quella di osservazione. L’azione ti verrà naturale e spontanea una volta che avrai lavorato interiormente a sufficienza. Ma prima di ciò, ricadrai facilmente nei vecchi schemi del passato.

Grazie per aver letto questo articolo. Iscriviti alla newsletter e seguimi su Facebook per rimanere aggiornato!

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