Come smettere di essere una vittima

Il vittimismo è una vera e propria attitudine verso la vita ed è a tutti gli effetti una mentalità. Si tratta, a dire il vero, della mentalità più diffusa nel mondo odierno. Oltre ad essere tipica della maggior parte delle persone, è veicolata spesso dai telegiornali, da una cultura che si basa sulla colpa invece che sulla responsabilità, da una società che preferisce puntare il dito verso dei carnefici. Il vittimismo è dunque un fatto culturale e sociale. Ma è innanzitutto una questione individuale. Ciascuno di noi alimenta inconsciamente il vittimismo. E qual è il risultato di tutto questo? Schiavitù. La schiavitù non ci è imposta dall’esterno, ma è la conseguenza di un nostro atteggiamento. Come smettere allora di essere una vittima?

In questo articolo vorrei rispondere a questa domanda e proporti una efficace soluzione. Ti ripeto: la schiavitù è uno stato interiore. Non esistono catene che non siamo autoimposte. Prima di suggerirti la soluzione al problema, vorrei indicarti quali sono le caratteristiche di una vittima. Infatti il primo passo per risolvere un problema è, come dico sempre, diventare consapevoli di tale problema, riconoscerne l’esistenza e limitarsi a notarlo senza giudizio. Questo spiega come sia così importante conoscere se stessi attraverso l’osservazione. Ti chiedo dunque di essere umile e riconoscere dentro di te, eventualmente ci fossero, i punti che sto per evidenziare (senza condannarti, ovviamente). Passiamo allora alle caratteristiche della vittima prima di parlarti di come smettere di essere uno schiavo.

Come vive, pensa e ragiona una vittima

Come vive, pensa e ragiona una vittima? Ti avviso che in questo elenco troverai un’estremizzazione delle caratteristiche di una vittima, ovvero descriverò un ipotetico modello di vittima. Ma è chiaro che l’esperienza di ognuno è ricca di milioni di sfumature e l’essere umano non è uno stereotipo. Semplificando, è però possibile rintracciare alcune caratteristiche di massima della cosiddetta vittima:

  1. Si lamenta continuamente delle proprie condizioni.
  2. Dà la colpa all’esterno per i propri mali e la propria sofferenza, puntando il dito contro il collega che la fa arrabbiare, il famigliare che la giudica, il partner che la fa stare male.
  3. Attribuisce al mondo il potere sui suoi stati interiori. Per la vittima, sono le circostanze esterne a decidere come starà: se sarà di buonumore o di cattivo umore, arrabbiata o tollerante, gioiosa o depressa.
    Dunque, dato che la vittima non è responsabile del proprio stato interiore, ne consegue che non lavorerà per gestire sé stessa.
  4. Se non vorrà lavorare su di sé, rimarrà nella stessa situazione di sempre: un’altra caratteristica della vittima è proprio la tendenza a rimanere impantanata nel vittimismo.
  5. In più, attraverso la lamentela ingrandisce il proprio ego e gli fornisce energia, creando un’identità sofferente alla quale si attacca e si “affeziona”, per cui difficilmente vorrà uscire dalla propria situazione.
    La vittima è, il più delle volte, inconsapevole di esserlo e questa è la principale ragione per cui tenderà a rimanere tale per tutta la vita, se qualcosa non interverrà a darle una svegliata.
  6. La vittima crede fermamente alle proprie convinzioni. In altre parole, è davvero convinta che là fuori ci siano dei carnefici che gli fanno del male e lei non ha alcun potere sui suoi padroni. Se qualcuno contraddice il suo punto di vista, fa di tutto per confermare la correttezza della propria prospettiva. Dunque, tende ad avere una mente poco aperta.
  7. È dotata di scarsa intelligenza emotiva, poiché, come abbiamo visto, è il mondo a decretare come si sentirà e non è responsabile dei propri stati d’animo. Inoltre, è un individuo che non conosce se stesso, che tende a rifuggire le emozioni e a farsi assorbire dal flusso di pensieri compulsivi dello stato di coscienza egoico.
    È dominata dalla colpa, dalla paura e dalla negatività, da odio e rancori.
    Essendo in completa balia degli eventi, non ha padronanza di sé, e dunque proietta all’esterno il suo bisogno di controllo. Finisce per diventare dunque una persona manipolatrice, ipocrita e ossessiva e, in ultima analisi, si trasforma essa stessa in un carnefice.

Vittima e carnefice: due polarità interdipendenti

A proposito dell’ultimo punto, vorrei mettere in chiaro una cosa: vittima e carnefice non sono due opposti. Sono, il più delle volte, due polarità interdipendenti, per cui la vittima è anche carnefice e il carnefice è anche vittima. A ben vedere, non c’è differenza fra i due. Infatti la vittima, in fondo, si lamenta della sofferenza che egli stesso perpetra agli altri. Questa è una verità dura da accettare, ma in fondo, se ci pensi bene, è così: il ragionamento della vittima è “io subisco”, ma non c’è preoccupazione circa le sofferenze causate agli altri. Ma se gli altri mi fanno del male, che cosa faccio io agli altri? I cosiddetti carnefici sono in realtà delle vittime in posizione di forza, e ogni vittima è pronta a trasformarsi in un carnefice non appena si presenti l’occasione opportuna.

L’occasione propizia è il momento in cui un’altra vittima si trova in posizione di debolezza. Così, il povero agnello assume rapidamente le sembianze del lupo, mentre l’altro lupo si è trasformato in agnello. E il mondo diventa così una lotta all’ultimo sangue tra vittime e carnefici che si scambiano reciprocamente i ruoli in base alla convenienza del momento. Ciascuno dentro di sé non può essere una vittima senza essere anche un carnefice e viceversa. È un paradosso difficile da comprendere, ma l’esperienza mette in luce questa verità. Come si spiega questo apparente paradosso? La vittima, incolpando il mondo della propria miseria, cova odio, rancore e giustizialismo, e vuole vendicarsi dei torti subiti: ecco che da vittima si trasforma in carnefice, dentro di sé prima ancora che con azioni fuori di lei. Eppure, in questa sua apparente trasformazione, rimane innanzitutto vittima.

Come smettere allora di essere una vittima?

A questo punto mi sono dilungato abbastanza sulla mentalità della vittima e sul paradosso del carnefice (anche se ci sarebbero centinaia di altre cose da dire…). Ora passiamo al nocciolo della questione, e cioè come puoi smettere di fare la vittima? Innanzitutto, come scrivevo all’inizio, hai bisogno di una profondissima umiltà per ammettere che possiedi alcune delle caratteristiche che ho indicato sopra. E non si tratta certo di un’ammissione semplice. Devi infatti riconoscere che tutta la tua sofferenza non dipende dagli altri, che anche tu hai fatto del male alle altre “vittime”, che dai agli altri il potere di decidere il tuo stato d’animo. Ma renditi conto che il vittimismo è una fase naturale dell’evoluzione umana, ed è dunque inevitabile passare per questo stadio.

In altre parole, non hai nessuna colpa del tuo essere vittima. Uno dei problemi principali è che il vittimismo stesso potrebbe portati a sentirti in colpa oppure ad indignarti e a proiettare all’esterno lo stesso problema. Ma non c’è alcun bisogno di sentirsi in colpa oppure di rivendicare un determinato livello di coscienza. Non si può passare al livello successivo senza accorgersi del punto in cui ci si trova ora. Più sei onesto con te stesso, più avrai la strada spianata verso la crescita spirituale e la trasformazione interiore. Non mi stancherò mai di dire che la consapevolezza di per sé è già terapeutica. Il solo fatto di accorgerti che ti trovi in un determinato stato, ti spingerà ad uscirne, anche senza che faccia nulla oltre a osservare e riconoscere la tua condizione.

Come smettere di essere una vittima in 5 mosse e come diventare responsabile

Ecco quali sono le 5 mosse per smettere di essere una vittima a partire da oggi per diventare il responsabile del tuo stato interiore e della tua realtà:

  • 1) Riconosci di essere una vittima o, meglio ancora, riconosci le varie caratteristiche che ti rendono tale. Su questo punto non mi dilungherò ulteriormente dato che ne ho parlato nei paragrafi precedenti.

    2) Metti in discussione il tuo paradigma da vittima, riconoscendo che esso nasce da un errore di percezione, dal fatto che c’è qualcosa che non comprendi appieno e che è, in ultima analisi, la vera causa della tua sofferenza.

    3) Osserva i tuoi comportamenti da vittima nel momento in cui si manifestano. Oltre ad ammettere umilmente che sei caduto spesso (o potresti averlo fatto molte volte), devi guardare la tua macchina biologica in azione. Come reagisci di solito quando qualcosa va storto? Quando qualcuno ti fa arrabbiare, dai la colpa a lui?

    4) Nel momento in cui i meccanismi si manifestano (o al massimo poco dopo, quando ancora la tua emotività è “accesa”), cerca di rimanere presente e di non farti traghettare dalle solite considerazioni da vittima. Renditi conto, proprio nel momento di massima tensione, che sei tu il responsabile di ciò che provi in quel momento, di quel disagio, di quel senso di frustrazione o di rabbia. Renditi conto che non c’è nessuno là fuori che possa farti del male e che la tua sofferenza è soltanto il frutto di un tuo errore di prospettiva.

    In questo modo diventi responsabile del tuo stato interiore e riacquisisci potere su di te. Mentre cerchi di diventare consapevole di questo, non controllare eccessivamente i tuoi pensieri e le tue emozioni. Lasciale essere. Ma quando le senti, assumitene tutta la responsabilità, ricorda cioè che sei tu ad aver creato inconsciamente quelle reazioni e gli altri non c’entrano assolutamente niente. Quando l’energia della mente ti spinge a dare ancora la colpa all’esterno, osserva come sia la mente e non tu a volerlo fare, per cui non cadere nell’inganno, e cioè non giustificare e non attaccarti alle tue posizioni di vittima, per quanto sia forte la tendenza a ricadervi. Ma se vi ricadi, non importa: riproverai la prossima volta.
  • 5) Persevera finché la tua consapevolezza non scioglierà le tendenze al vittimismo. Non arrenderti alla vecchia abitudine della vittima. Ogni volta che rimani presente su un tuo meccanismo, non alimentandolo con il tuo attaccamento, un fuoco inizia a bruciare dentro di te e ti trasforma. In che cosa ti trasforma? Da vittima a “mago”. Il mago è il responsabile della propria realtà, vedendola al proprio interno come proiezione del proprio subconscio, ricordando che ogni volta che soffre è perché c’è qualcosa dentro di lui da sciogliere e non perché ci siano dei carnefici là fuori. In questo modo, diventi in grado di cambiare il tuo stato interiore e il tuo livello di coscienza.

Altri consigli su come smettere di essere una vittima

Da quanto detto sopra, appare evidente che il vittimismo è una tendenza automatica della mente, che permette al tuo ego di perpetuarsi e di sopravvivere, ma a costo di enorme sofferenza per te e per gli altri. È dunque una tendenza conservativa. Evidentemente, è in contrasto con la tua evoluzione, è anzi l‘ostacolo principale alla tua crescita. Lavorare su di sé richiede che tu ti assuma la responsabilità totale di te stesso e di ciò che accade fuori ma soprattutto dentro di te.

Essenzialmente, questa responsabilità può essere ottenuta solo dubitando della propria prospettiva nel momento stesso in cui le tendenze di vittima si manifestano e viene naturale è automatico puntare il dito contro qualcuno o qualcosa. Per fare ciò, è necessario essere presenti e centrati. Altrimenti non riuscirai mai a fare lo sforzo di affermare che “non hai occhi per vedere” e che sei tu l’unico responsabile della tua sofferenza.

Sviluppare una presenza “massiccia” non è affatto semplice e immediato. Richiede infatti una certa pratica, pazienza e soprattutto uno “sforzo” considerevole per rinunciare alla tentazione di accusare e commiserarsi, ho per te un altro consiglio. Per abbandonare il vittimismo, puoi sviluppare un’intenzione genuina e autentica di passare alla mentalità responsabile. Già la sola intenzione di per sé ha il potere di condurti sulla strada giusta. Un’altra cosa che puoi fare è mettere in discussione le tue tendenze da vittima “a freddo”. In che senso? Nel senso che ci lavori sopra a una certa distanza rispetto all’evento che le ha scatenate, magari aiutandoti con un diario. Oppure potresti provare a evidenziare le tue tendenze da vittima prima che si manifestino, in modo che quando si scatenano, ne sarai già consapevole.

Grazie per la lettura! Scrivi nei commenti se hai altri consigli su come smettere di essere una vittima. Iscriviti alla newsletter e seguimi su Facebook per rimanere aggiornato sui contenuti del Sentiero della Realizzazione!

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