Come superare la mania di controllo

La mania di controllo è uno dei mezzi più angoscianti con cui l’ego perpetua se stesso. Il nostro sé separato ha un estremo bisogno di sopravvivere. E per questo deve a tutti i costi controllare tutto quello che può. In molti casi il bisogno di controllo diventa una vera e propria mania. Ognuno ha una certa tendenza a controllare se stesso e spesso a opprimere in qualche misura gli altri. Dobbiamo accorgerci del nostro bisogno di controllo prima che diventi ingestibile. Ma come superare la mania di controllo per ottenere la pace mentale e tornare a vivere sereni? In questo articolo risponderemo proprio a questa domanda.

La mania di controllo: questa brutta bestia

La mania di controllo rende la vita un inferno. La mente diventa un tormentatore. Ci invita a essere ipervigilanti. Non riusciamo a concentrarci. Dobbiamo verificare che tutto sia svolto alla perfezione. Ogni minimo dettaglio deve essere al posto giusto. Guai a sbagliare. Il giudizio degli altri è un macigno insopportabile. Una pesante angoscia e uno stress continuo e opprimente esauriscono le nostre energie. Dobbiamo controllare più e più volte che tutto sia a posto. Non possiamo smettere di pensare, perché chissà che cosa potrebbe succedere. Siamo costretti a preoccuparci e ossessionarci in continuazione, perché ci sembra di essere continuamente in pericolo. Tutto deve essere organizzato in modo preciso, perché l’incertezza ci fa entrare nel pallone.

Siamo costantemente ansiosi e sul chi va là. Non possiamo consentirci di abbassare la guardia, perché la minaccia è dietro l’angolo. Potrebbe venire qualcuno a punirci, a dire quanto siamo scarsi, quanto siamo imbranati, a giudicarci pesantemente, quindi è bene che tutto sia svolto alla perfezione. Se sbagliamo, scende la disperazione. Quando l’ansia e lo stress ci hanno consumato abbastanza, cala un velo di depressione, perché non c’è più energia. E non abbiamo più voglia di fare niente. Le tensioni muscolari ora diventano pesantezza. Lo stress ora diventa una sensazione di esaurimento. L’iperattività mentale diventa confusione e rimane un senso di scarsa lucidità e di impotenza.

Questi sintomi ti dicono qualcosa?

Come nasce il bisogno di controllo

La mania di controllo è un meccanismo di difesa a un’educazione rigida e repressiva, dove era molto sentita la paura della punizione. Essa è il risultato di una scarsa autostima e dell’incapacità di amare se stessi, come conseguenza del non esserci sentiti amati nell’infanzia; è sintomo di una profonda sfiducia in se stessi e nel mondo e deriva dal peso della colpa sentita dentro di sé. La voce critica delle figure educative si impadronisce della nostra mente e diventa un torturatore interno. Se i nostri genitori erano duri con noi, molto probabilmente anche noi lo siamo. Infatti ognuno di noi tende a interiorizzare la voce dei genitori. Da bambini non abbiamo strumenti di difesa, non possiamo elaborare meccanismi più sofisticati.

E pur di godere di un minimo di sicurezza neghiamo noi stessi, diventiamo duri con noi stessi, ci tormentiamo da soli. Proiettiamo la colpa sul nostro corpo e sulla nostra mente, punendoci con l’ansia e la depressione, con un giudizio implacabile nei nostri confronti. Finiamo per sentirci una nullità. Non essendo stati valorizzati dal mondo, neanche noi ci valorizziamo. E questo può diventare un grande problema quando cresciamo e diventiamo adulti. Se eravamo molto controllati da bambini, avremo un estremo bisogno di controllo anche da grandi, sul nostro comportamento e sugli altri. Non ci fideremo di nessuno, meno che mai di noi stessi. Non sapremo affrontare l’incertezza, poiché sentiremo una voce dentro di noi che ci dice che siamo degli incapaci e che non possiamo farcela senza sostegno e approvazione.

Come superare la mania di controllo

La prima cosa da fare per superare la mania di controllo è non dare la colpa a nessuno. Più daremo la colpa ai genitori, a chi ci ha educato, più ci commisereremo, più alimenteremo la colpa dentro di noi e quindi renderemo più forte la stessa mania di controllo. Infatti la mania di controllo nasce proprio dal senso di colpa. Ognuno di noi nasce già con un carico di colpa, essendo la colpa un elemento dell’inconscio collettivo. E se proietteremo questa colpa all’esterno, non faremo che rafforzarla dentro di noi: proiettare sugli altri significa semplicemente nascondere più profondamente dentro di sé, quindi è qualcosa di davvero poco saggio! Piuttosto, dobbiamo riconoscere la colpa dentro di noi per eliminarla (scopri qui come). E per riconoscere la colpa dentro di noi dobbiamo innanzitutto smettere di proiettarla all’esterno tramite i giudizi e le accuse (scopri qui come smettere di giudicare).

Mentre lavoriamo per disfare la colpa alla base, possiamo fare un lavoro complementare: riempire il nostro cuore di amore. Infatti la colpa che sentiamo dentro di noi non è che un vuoto di amore! Quindi, se da un lato lavoriamo con la consapevolezza, portando alla luce i giudizi e le proiezioni per lasciarli andare, dall’altro cominciamo ad amare noi stessi e gli altri per colmarci dell’amore che non abbiamo ricevuto. Dobbiamo avere il coraggio di superare la nostra incapacità di amare e il nostro desiderio di vendetta e il risentimento per non essere stati amati abbastanza: è solo amando che possiamo sentirci felici e amati. Dato che il mondo è uno specchio del nostro subconscio, voler punire qualcuno all’esterno significa voler punire noi stessi e quindi perpetuare la nostra mancanza di amore!

Autostima e fiducia nella vita

Amando noi stessi e gli altri ci prendiamo cura della nostra autostima (puoi approfondire qui sull’argomento). In questo modo smettiamo di avere bisogno del sostegno e dell’approvazione degli altri per sentirci sicuri e stare bene. E così inizieremo a essere più flessibili con noi stessi. Smetteremo di dover seguire dei rituali rigidi, di essere perfetti in tutto, di temere il giudizio degli altri, di soppesare ogni nostra parola per paura di sbagliare, di vergognarci di noi stessi, di essere timidi e insicuri. In breve, per superare la mania di controllo dobbiamo aprire il nostro cuore (scopri qui di più). Aprendo il nostro cuore e riempiendoci di amore, iniziamo ad aver fiducia in noi stessi, negli altri e nella vita.

Smettiamo di aver bisogno di controllare tutto. Non facciamo più dipendere la nostra felicità e il nostro benessere dalla necessità di verificare che tutto vada come pensiamo debba andare. Iniziamo a fidarci, a fluire con la vita, a essere nel flusso. Impariamo a lasciar andare e ad arrenderci al momento presente, smettendo di dividere tra ciò che è buono e ciò che è cattivo. Se qualcosa non va come previsto, non entriamo più nel pallone. Impariamo a vivere nell’incertezza. Iniziamo a sacrificare il falso bisogno di sicurezza in nome della felicità. Realizziamo che non ha alcun senso impedirsi di vivere solo per sopravvivere. Impariamo a perdonarci per gli errori e a perdonare gli altri.

Trovare un centro dentro di sé e vivere nel presente

Per superare la mania di controllo dobbiamo trovare un centro stabile dentro di noi. In pratica, anziché aggrapparci a false certezze esterne, insicure e instabili, o tormentarci con le preoccupazioni, l’angoscia e lo stress, l’ansia e la paura (pensando inconsciamente di poter far meglio fronte alle situazioni, mentre in realtà ci boicottiamo da soli), iniziamo a fidarci sempre di più del nostro cuore e ci radichiamo dentro noi stessi. Ci rendiamo conto che è insensato mendicare l’approvazione degli altri, il loro sostegno o vederli timidamente come autorità che ci proteggono o, se sono in una posizione di debolezza, come individui da manipolare o controllare. Ci connettiamo con le profondità del nostro essere e troviamo un senso di calore e di pace tali da farci sentire sempre al sicuro e da non aver bisogno di affidarci alle braccia del mondo.

Il nostro centro ci riempie di benessere, amore e ci fa sentire completi, per cui non abbiamo bisogno che gli altri facciano nulla per noi. Non dobbiamo chiedere che ci giudichino in un certo modo, non abbiamo bisogno che ci offrano protezione o stabilità. Per superare la mania di controllo, dobbiamo anche imparare a spostare la nostra attenzione dalla mente al momento presente. Dobbiamo realizzare che rimanere assorbiti dal flusso di pensieri non ci protegge da nulla, non ha alcun senso, non fa altro che distruggerci. E dobbiamo buttarci a capofitto nella vita, sull’orlo dell’abisso del qui e ora, per quanto all’inizio ciò possa sembrare incerto e insicuro. In realtà, nel momento presente c’è l’unica certezza del tuo Sé, della tua presenza consapevole e della Vita che scorre.

E il tuo Sé è l’unica cosa certa e stabile, quindi perché non affidarsi a esso invece che ai falsi pensieri e alle false paure della mente?

Osserva quel tormentatore nella tua testa!

Dopodiché, per superare la mania di controllo puoi scoprire come questa si manifesta. Osserva la tua mente e i tuoi comportamenti. In particolare, guarda come la tua mente ti tormenta! Non giudicarla per questo: la tua mente segue solamente un programma. Sei tu a decidere se eseguire quel programma oppure no. E allora osserva gli schemi ricorrenti nella tua mente, il modo in cui essa cerca di controllare tutto come se avesse bisogno di aria. Per la mente il controllo è come l’ossigeno: le dà vita e le permette di sopravvivere. Ma per te il bisogno di controllo è deleterio! Riconosci come tutta la tua sofferenza sia causata da quel tormentatore nella tua testa. Abbi il coraggio e la lucidità di vedere che non c’è nessuno all’esterno che ti fa del male, ma è solo la tua mente a torturarti.

Cogli la tua mente mentre crea i pensieri di controllo, mentre ti obbliga a fare qualcosa, ti fa sentire in colpa, scatena ansia o depressione, ti fa stare male, ti toglie energia, inizia a preoccuparsi, a ossessionarsi per qualcosa, a entrare nel pallone, a essere confusa, a spaventarsi, ad avere paura. E nota come tu non sei tutte queste cose! Realizza che non hai alcun bisogno di ascoltare la tua mente e anzi devi assolutamente liberarti dal suo dominio (scopri qui come)! Osserva come la voce nella tua testa è critica e riflette la durezza e la mancanza di amore del passato (senza crogiolarti però nel risentimento per questo!). Vedi come la tua mente crea le tensioni, lo stress, la sofferenza. E man mano che porti tutto alla luce, lascia semplicemente andare, senza fare nulla: il solo fatto di diventare consapevole dei tuoi meccanismi ridurrà notevolmente la mania di controllo.

Infatti l’ego agisce nell’ombra e può sopravvivere finché è inosservato. Ma se inizi a osservarlo scrupolosamente e attentamente (non ossessivamente, però!), puoi finalmente liberarti dal suo tormento.

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